"there's more of me to get rid of"

pre-panniculectomy prep panic

I am sitting in a Starbucks a block down the street from my surgeon's office, waiting on a appointment to being planning my panniculectomy (more commonly referred to by the diminutive "tummy-tuck").  I have been thinking about this decision for years, thinking my resistance to it would either clarify itself or resolve, and neither has happened.  I am just no longer willing to act on my resistance.  My friends have urged me to do this, my professional advisors have urged me to do this, I have the means, and I have a pannicule that needs to be surgically reduced to prevent skin infections, to improve my comfort, and to give me body contours that are closer to those I desire.  I am in good health, a good surgical candidate, and I know and trust my surgeon.  "I don't wanna" is no longer sufficient reason to delay.

I am scared.  Raw fear.  There are thoughts that go along with it: will this change me like the sleeve changed me? have I lost enough weight? will I heal okay? will I survive the procedure and anesthesia? will I have my job after I recuperate?

But none of those questions is really a big enough risk to justify this fear.  My hands are shaking as I type this.  My heart is racing, I am breathing faster.  I tried to reach out to some people but my friends are unavailable (it's during the work-day as I write this).  I feel so alone.  I wonder what the people around me in this Starbucks think I am going through right now.  I dont experience this kind of fear very frequently.  This is where courage comes in handy.  Good thing I've got some.

More later.